Sick of me

I'm so sick of me,
That I can't do anything,
I don't have any cleverty,
I've lost everything,

I want to look over you,
To take your hand and fly,
But all of this I want to make through,
I always make you cry,

Please forgive me,
I'm such a bother,
Doesn't matter what I want to be,
I'm always the other,

I want to rescue you this very second,
But I don't have the strenght to,
I don't need your respond,
I'll still protect you,

Even If I'm hurt and ashamed,
Even if I'm infront of heavens gate,
You shouldn't be blamed,
Now it's almost to late,

I hate to see that sad one you're being,
Like When your make-up is running out,
When it feels like im the only one seeing,
That you want to shout,

I hate to see you crying,
When your eyes are turning red,
I know you feel like dying,
But you're not better of dead,

I hate when your hands are shaking,
beneath mine,
I hate the way you're faking,
and saying that you're fine,

I know you're scared,
Of what will happen when you stop pretending,
If nobody cared,
Who's strenght woul'd you be lending?

I hope you know,
I just wanted to say,
I don't think it's low,
and I saw those scars today,

It was written in your face,
You can't hide it from me,
Because I look behind the surface,
You can't close your eyes to not see,

You appear as an angel in my dreams,
Standing in the snow,
And by dissappearing by horrible screams,
All left is a hollow,

I know that is threathening,
and your memories are sad,
but you keep forgetting,
That good can come from bad..

It's not wrong to be yourself

Even how much I vomited,
Nothing came out,
Exept from that blood so red,
I just wanted to shout,

Shout in desperation,
Shout out in regret,
How did I end up in this situation,
I wasn't this close to death,

I'm starving to be something,
But soon I'll just be bones and skin,
Why didin't I stop everything,
When did I get so thin,

Even if I start eating,
It's soon to late,
I soon won't hear my heart beating,
I've always thrown away the plate,

Never normal again,
I didin't thought it woul'd be like this,
I didin't know it was such a pain,
I don't know how bad the situation is,

When I look into the mirror,
All I see is fat,
Is this really worth to die for,
Why didin't I realise that,

I do not have so long,
I'm getting so weak,
Were did I go wrong,
To tired to even speak,

I have to stop this from happening,
I have a psychic disease,
Before I turn into nothing,
I want to try to get past these,

I really want to stop me,
I don't give my body any respect,
Others just disagree,
I can't be perfect,

I'm so sorry for the trouble I cause,
I myself got into this mess,
I'm not exepting any aplause,
Strenght is something I do not longer possess,

I do not now when it started,
It's just about when,
Sooner or later I drop dead,
I don't want that to happen,

I need help but you turn your back to me,
You are walking away,
Because you can't stand to see,
This being so weak every day,

I'm trapped inside,
I'm going to try harder from now on,
I have to keep up this stride,
Otherwise I'll be gone,

I woul'd need you to stay beside,
I don't want you to stand on my grave,
I did this because I was denied,
I've never been brave,

I wonder if those people know how I feel,
When I'm slowly passing their only word,
It only gave me lies so unreal,
They gave me an idea so absurd,

I will behave in the future,
If I get another chance,
If I get help to cure,
And for once get to glance,


I won't give up this life,
I know now that you have to forgive,
Please take my advice,
Always remember It's importent to live,

Live on and don't stop that way,
Smile with your happiness,
Don't care about what the others say,
They just can't stand you braveness..


It's deticted to a friend of mine and fortunately she doesn't have this much of a problem. But I just want you to understand that you can be yourself because that's the side that I like so much. :D If you got a problem, get rid of it and don't be afraid to ask for help! We'll always be here for you.

Lucifer's secret

Before I woul'd have escaped and lied,
My nightmares are getting corrupt,
I used to run because I didin't tried,
I'm no longer in any doubt,

I can't regret any longer,
I want to stop this illusion,
Open my arms to the reaper,
Getting burried in confusion,

I'm standing in an ocean of emptiness,
My hands are stained in red,
Have to stop this mess,
To the path I'm being led..

I do not own any right to survive,
But still I'm the only one to,
The one that Lucifer made alive,
The mistake that pierced through,

The bounds of tainted blood,
Want to turn the other way,
Don't want to see the flood,
I don't want to listen to what you say,

I'm standing in an ocean of emptiness,
My hands are stained in red,
I'm swallowed up by darkness,
I'm so damn mislead,

The life that has been given to me,
Was I really the one choosen,
I'm normally the one to flee,
You must be mistaken,

I've never liked the light,
In my nightmares,
he was always there,
Sometimes I couldn't stand the night,
But he took away my biggest fear,

Breaking the contract,
Taking on the lead,
Ignoring the fact,
Of what I really need..

My nightmares all came true,
I'm left to finish this deep wound,
My selfishness grew,
While breaking the bound,

Doomed is the innocent and foolish one,
Who dwells in an open wall,
I do not want to be alone,
Can't someone just break my fall..
Breaking the contract,
Taking on the lead,
Ignoring the fact,
Of what I really need,
Of what I really need...

I'm standing in an ocean of emptiness,
My hands are stained in red,
Have to stop this mess,
To the path I'm being led..

Don't want you back

I wonder if you did those things to be different,
Because it was of desperation,
To someone to knowledge your existence,
For someone to understand your situation,
No particular reason woul'd force me,
To pretend to be blind,
I'm the one I want to be,
And that freaks out your mind,
You live your life through me,
You doesn't care at all,
If I coul'd I would rather flee,
Than waiting for someone to break my fall,
Get out of my life I can't decide,
I think I'm loosing control,
Even if I tried,
It wouldn't help my soul,
You ask for shelter and protection,
But I wont give you a track,
I wont give you a simple direction,
Because I don't want you back..

¨*Disguised*

I wake up every day,
Hidden behind a disguise,
I don't care about what others say,
Still I seem to find an excuse,
To stay away from my friends,
Using their weakness,
To get to their hearts,
Breaking it in my wilderness,

Before my eyes,
A shattered awakening,
Mindless feeling down,
A strangeous whisper,
Resistance waiting,
I'm falling, Into the despair
Which raised my head,
Children dance,
When I start to realize,
Theres nothing but a swallow chance,
That I will survive,
That Beast in the end Of night,

I'm here inside,
Can't break out,
Screaming for another way,
A childs voice whisper out my name,
There is the darkness in my heart,
Thoughtless Innocent child of memories,
In the eyes of solution,

Stained in blood,
I raise my hands,
To where I can see the light,
Souless child lost in the dark,
Can it be that you, the one that prisoned me here,
You held me here,
Where I can't escape,
What is your sorrow,
Locked into this abandoned place of nothing,
Where will you lead me?
Why are you gone?

Cant you see?
I'm here inside,
Can't break out,
I'm so lost in yesterday,
Want to break down,
leave it open,
Live trough today,
To be gone to tomorrow,
Beast hidden in shadows,
where no one can ever find me..

I'm inside this room,
Locked in the path in between,
This world and another,
The gentle voice inside,
Is no longer there for me,
I want to see your face,
Is this nightmare true,
I'm way of base,
I'm falling straight through,
My own nightmare,
Is now real,
Living here inside me,
Apart from reality..

It's no use struggling,
I'm waiting for you,
I will wait forever,
I can't see you anymore,
But I won't give up this life,
It's no use living if you're not here,
Whatever I'll fight but don't go there,
Reality shatter and open the path to this God abondoned road,
There is no power to reload,
That voice is calling, That locked me inside this room,
When My life's over, It's up to you..

Cant you see?
I'm here inside,
Can't break out,
I'm so lost in yesterday,
Want to break down,
leave it open,
Live trough today,
To be gone to tomorrow,
Beast hidden in shadows
where no one can ever find me..

One last melody

Vincent was a musician who played the violin togheter with his best friend Dante. Dante also played the violin. They were both very talented and their music gave hope to the people who lived around. It was in a little village were poor was lefted on the streets while the rich locked themselves in and enjoyed their food and fires. Vincent didin't have any family and his older brother left for some reason. Vincent didin't have any money but he had managed to live through his music. He played for hours every day but not to earn money, He played for the poor and the sick. He made them feel the warmth they hadn't felt in a eternity of a lifetime. Almost every poor man, Women or child was sick because they didin't have enough clothes and they slept outside on the ground. It was cold in the late October but many people survived it when they were able to listen to Vincent and Dante. Dante lived in a small house he and his family found when they almost frooze to death the last winter. It was old but warmer than outside and shielding for the wind and rain. Terrible snowstorms from the last winter had killed many people who were out in the woods, hunting for food. The cold had killed most of the animals so now it weren't so easy to get food. Vincent was homeless to and he coul'd understand their feelings. Still he at least had someone that had a house and a family that took care of him. They had enough to eat and always shared with the others, They even lived whitout food for a whole week so they coul'd give it to all the poor on the street. The winter came fast and nobody had ever celebrated christmas. Vincent sighed and started playing the violin. -''Why is it that winter can't bring happiness to people?''

Dante looked surprised on his friend. -''What do you mean?''

-''It's always givin death to the villagers.''

Dante looked down in the ground with a sad smile on his face. -''It's the way it is, isn't it? We are here today and dying tomorrow.''

Vincent stopped playing. -''It's not it. Life isn't so good now but at least..'' Vincent didint get any further when Dante interrupted: -''Alice is sick. She has pneumonia. The doctor said he couldn't do anything for her now. She's to weak and just the new miracle medicine coul'd help her he said.'' He swallowed and continued. -''If she just hadn't fallen into the cold water, If I hadn't letted her to it..''

-''Don't blame yourself! It's not you're fault and even less we shoul'd be sad over something that's not going to happen.'' Vincent hurried.

-''How do you know that?'' Dante asked with tears in his eyes.

-''Because you won't let her die like that. Lets play a song for her.'' With those words he lifted up the violin and started playing. Dante did the same thing.
The beautiful melody gave a echo through the village and the sound seamed to get the poor up on their feet. A old women stopped by and listened and soon half the village people stood there. They played the day long and afterwards they went home to Dante´s house. Dante´s mother stood in the door and when she saw Dante she ran out and embraced him. Vincent smiled and then they went into Alice´s room. Alice coughed and she had a fever. She shaked and she was really pale. Alice gave Dante and Vincent a little smile when they came in.

-''Pp..please play a song for me.'' She stuttered and then she coughed again.
They did as she wished and played the evening through and then they sat by her bed until she fell asleep. Dante really loved his little sister thought he had never shown it before. Now he sat in the kitchen crying on Vincents arm while Vincent tried to get him in a better mood. Vincent knew that they soon woul'd have to face the truth and as soon as the winter came the corn and harvest woul'd freeze and then they didin't have much to eat. The shop in the village was very expensive since the food had reduced and they didin't have enough money to buy from town either.


Next day Vincent and Dante sat on the bridge fishing but it didin't go very well. Vincent managed to get one fish but it wasn't much to eat. Dante saw a paper in the river and tried to get it up. He climbed down on the stones. They were slippery and Dante almost fell of. He reached out his hand and was just about to get it when he slipped on the stones. Just before he fell into the water Vincent hooked him with the rod. -''Did you get the paper?'' he asked with a smile. Dante nodded and climbed up again.

-''Here! At least you who can read.'' Dante gave the paper to Vincent.
-''It says that their searching musicians in town. This coul'd be our chance Dan!''

-''How? Do you think they want some poor guys from the country there?''

Vincent smiled and clapped his dear friend on his head. -''Who said they need to know?''

-''Well, It's pretty obvious isn't it? I mean, look at our clothes.''

Vincent looked at their dirty clothes and sighed. Dante was right, with those clothes nobody woul'd believe them. Suddenly he got an idea, his brother had left some clothes for him before he disappeared. He used to work in town so he probably had some clothes. They hurried to the storage were the coffert was and changed clothes. They looked into the mirror and both smiled with proud.

-''That's so not like you Vincent.''Dante almost stared at Vincent. He looked like some rich young man in his brothers clothes. Vincent noticed that Dante looked on him with a really weird face.

-''Is something wrong?'' Vincent asked.

-''No, It suits you.''
Vincent almost started laughing when he saw Dantes look. Dante was nearly blushing and stared straight down in the floor.

-''Are you falling for me?'' Vincent teased him.

-''What are you saying, Idiot.'' Dante looked annoyed and turned all red.
Vincent laughed so he barely coul'd breath.

-''Stop laughing!'' Dante screamed. -''At least stop provoking me, That was just so scary.''

Vincent tried to be serious and took a deep breath.

-''Let's tell your mother first that we're going.''

-''Are you seriously dumb!? Do you think she will let us do something like that?''

-''hm, maybe not. But isn't it just mean to leave without telling?''

-''I write a letter and explain. Let's pack our things.''

They packed all the few things that Vincent had in his home and when they were done they sneaked into Dante´s home and took some needful stuff. It was quite a long way into town if you walked and it coul'd take a day or two to arrive when you followed the small road. It woul'd take even longer to the station. From there they woul'd sneak onboard the train to get to England. It was a big adventure for two youngsters that didin't have any money. But in England they woul'dn't be just themselves. They woul'd be one in the crowd. It coul'd take the time if they just coul'd get there. They needed the money to get the miracle medicine to Alice. Nothing was more important than her now. Dante knew he was going to lose her otherwise they didin't suceeded. Dante left the letter to his mother on his bed and the two of them walked down the road. They knew it was going to be a hard and long journey were they had to face the big and modern London. Dante was nervous and held hard in Vincents hand when they disappeared in the night.

Chapter One *End*

Rebecca E 1893